me {myself} + i

today is the first cold(ish) day that we've had in a while.  part of me is really ready for the cold + part of me isn't.  i think that the part of me that isn't is the part of me that knows that i won't fit into my winter clothes from last year.

i feel this panic to quickly lose the extra 25lbs that seem to have attached themselves to my body over the last year + i know that as long as i allow them to stay, i can't fit in my jeans or wear cute sweaters without showing a muffin top.

honestly, it's a daily internal battle not to let the voices win.  the voices that tell me that i am unattractive + fat.  seriously, do you know how hard it is to write that three letter word?  fat.  i find that thoughts of my weight fully consume my mind, nearly 24/7.  not only does this make it nearly impossible for me to be effective with my life, but it also confirms me as a complete narcissis.  who knew?

i mean, i should let it go, right?  my husbnad finds me beauitful + i have a couple poncho's that might last through this season...  or maybe i should do something about it.  can't complain if you're not taking action to make change, right?  i don't know, i just feel desperate sometimes.  i think about going back to diet pills all the time, but i know that would be wrong.  i worked so hard to stop all my bad diet habits + i would be putting my health at risk if i went backwards. 


still, it's really tempting sometimes...