getting {emotion}al

emotions are a funny thing.  so often, we let our emotions dictate our choices...  we choose to get married because we fall in love, we choose to get divorced because we fall out of love, we get our feelings hurt so we allow relationships to become damaged...  the thing is, emotions lie.  i think that the hardest part about emotions is that it's so hard to see beyond them, because they easily take up the scope of our vision.

i'm feeling insecure, therefore i must not be good enough.
i'm feeling fat, therefore i must be unattractive.
i'm feeling defensive, therefore the situation must warrant an aggressive rebuttal.

truth isn't relative + isn't dictated by my feelings.  how i feel about truth doesn't determine what it is, it only determines my reaction to it.

i have built up such a huge wall around my heart.  it has kept me safe.  it has kept me secure.  it has kept my lonely.  it has kept me from being able to walk in the fullness of who i am.  it's time to climb the wall + break it down.

in the midst of this difficult + painful process, it's important for me to remember that just because i am feeling a certain way {or feeling like i am being perceived a certain way} doesn't mean that it's truth.  it just means that i need to step away from myself for a moment to see if my vision might be skewed from my emotions.

{out} in the open

it's a little overwhelming...  going from the safety of the walls i painstakingly built to the vulnerability of the open air.  sometimes i wonder if the journey will be worth it.  i mean, there is only pain out there, right?  i know, i know...  there is love, blah blah.  the pain makes the love not worth it, doesn't it?

{creativity} at it's best

i've been thinking a lot about creativity.  i don't know why i find the act of being creative so daunting!  wait, yes i do...  it's because i am a control freak perfectionist!  i think i get so paralyzed that the end result of my creativity won't be perfect that i stunt any creative growth i may have had, had i just taken the leap + started creating.

plus, then i'm vulnerable.  which i hate.  again... i'm a control freak.

me {myself} + i

today is the first cold(ish) day that we've had in a while.  part of me is really ready for the cold + part of me isn't.  i think that the part of me that isn't is the part of me that knows that i won't fit into my winter clothes from last year.

i feel this panic to quickly lose the extra 25lbs that seem to have attached themselves to my body over the last year + i know that as long as i allow them to stay, i can't fit in my jeans or wear cute sweaters without showing a muffin top.

honestly, it's a daily internal battle not to let the voices win.  the voices that tell me that i am unattractive + fat.  seriously, do you know how hard it is to write that three letter word?  fat.  i find that thoughts of my weight fully consume my mind, nearly 24/7.  not only does this make it nearly impossible for me to be effective with my life, but it also confirms me as a complete narcissis.  who knew?

i mean, i should let it go, right?  my husbnad finds me beauitful + i have a couple poncho's that might last through this season...  or maybe i should do something about it.  can't complain if you're not taking action to make change, right?  i don't know, i just feel desperate sometimes.  i think about going back to diet pills all the time, but i know that would be wrong.  i worked so hard to stop all my bad diet habits + i would be putting my health at risk if i went backwards. 


still, it's really tempting sometimes...